“See anything?”

Headquarters of the British Rail Pension Fund. ln a room hung with old masters and the occasional Hockney, members of the Arts Purchasing Sub-Committee sit round a fine Krieger table, Louis XVI design. ln its centre is the agenda, a Vincennes porcelain rococo group, coloured Naiad on rockwork base supporting an urn f rom which water spouts, the whole mounted in ormolu as a clock. A sticker on ils base reads "This Side Up," deleted, and the figure l87,448 in a fiowing railway hand.

"Willie Whitelaw confessed last week that his daughters knew more about sex at 15 than he did in middle age when he was trying to tell them the facts oflife."-Observer

Lnsanely jealous at learning that the Foreign Office sends out 25,000 signed photographs of David Owen every year, a number of his Rt. Hon . colleagues immediately rushed round to MAHOOD's Snappy Studios . ..

First of a series of Round Britain Gigs with GEORGE MELLY.

IF you are reading this, my week's work will have been wasted. Unless the pages of this magazine are shrivelled by mighty ftames, and you and I are being turned into well done steaks by chefs with horns, tails, cloven feet and pitchforks, then I have chanced my reputation in vain, as well as having to justify the expenditure of the firm's cash on wasted cab fares.